Tuesday, November 15, 2011

What do I want?

I've been on a search lately for a lot of thing. Mostly, who I am as a person. I feel like I'm going through a crisis of self, that I don't know who I am, I don't know where I'm going. And it scares me like no other. I've been having such a hard time keeping things in order. The stress has been getting to me too much lately, and I don't know how to fix it.

So today at work, I was not having a good day. I decided to go home and rest and try to get my head screwed on straight instead of just trying to plow through. I checked out the September 2004 issue of body and soul magazine from the library yesterday and I decided to read it. Nothing really called out to me until I reached an article about finding your spiritual path. I began reading it, figuring I would just skim it over like I do with most articles, but the first few paragraphs really pulled me in. It was almost as if she had pulled them out of my mind and put them onto a piece of paper.

"Occasionally, a strange feeling comes over you. You hear a call from inside your heart. A faint, faraway sound you can barely hear amid the office phones, the people who need you, the list of plans for the week, the month, the rest of your life. But when you breathe deeply, the sound is louder and you relax. Finally, one afternoon during your commute home, you hear yourself. You say you need to nurture your soul. But now that you have voiced this need, how do you respond?"

And that is the part that I am at right now. I know I need to do some soul searching. I need to nurture my soul. I need to find out who I am and what I'm supposed to do with my life.

"I reluctantly began a spiritual search when I was 25. I hated my job - my entire direction - and entered an early midlife panic. Many told me it was just 'the age,' but I knew it was more. These were the symptoms: A dull sense of separation from my own heart. An uncertainty about what I loved. A feeling that even my family didn't really know me..."

I feel all of those symptoms. And more. I feel disconnected. Dissatisfied. Just plain off.

The author then goes on to write about spirituality and how she tried many different religions before she found the right one for herself. I don't feel a need to explore my spirituality like she did, but I do feel a need to explore my soul. She included a 4 step path for others to follow, which I don't feel a need to follow but step 1 caught my eye.

Imagine what you want.

What do I want? I've been asking myself that question a lot more lately, but I've been coming up empty handed. I used to think I knew what I wanted, but now I am realizing that I was wanting what someone else wanted. And now I'm lost. I don't know what I want.

The more I think about it, the more I realize how much I want stability, how much I want happiness, how much I want to love and be loved. I want to know where my life is supposed to go, what I'm supposed to do. I know that I want to have my own bakery and restaurants, but I'm not sure if I want to take that step quite yet. I have so many conflicting things in my head, they are all battling each other and there is no clear winner.

I guess I have a lot more soul searching to do in order to fully answer that question.

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