I've recently been realizing that I have a hard time being in the present. I'm always focusing on the future or the past, yet rarely focus on what is happening right here, right now. I get so caught up in my thoughts that I can't savor the moment. I feel disconnected. I have for as long as I can remember. I was in a fog, and I didn't know how to get out of it.
I thought for a while that by meeting the right man, he would help bring me out of the fog. I don't think that's the case anymore. I think I need to carry myself out. I need to stop thinking so much and just live. I need to let my thoughts cease and enjoy the moment.
I have made a dear friend in the past year that I thank God everyday for bringing them into my life. They have helped me in so many ways, and they continue to help me. Today when I talked with them, they mentioned being present and how important it was. Later, as I was watching Eat, Pray, Love, I realized that I don't live in the present. I'm always thinking, about the future and how I want it to be, or the past and how it should have been. I don't know how to not think. Yet I have such a hard time expressing my thoughts and my feelings. I keep everything so bottled up inside, and everything gets so jumbled up that I don't know how to express them.
I'm learning how to say things out loud. I have a hard time telling people how I really feel about them, partially because I'm afraid they won't feel the same towards me and I'll end up looking foolish. I find it easier to write things down, but I need to learn how to say them out loud. I need to learn to enjoy the moment, to stop thinking.
My thoughts are my worst enemy. They cause me so much pain, so much frustration. I need to learn to calm my mind down when I get wound up. I need to learn to not get so wound up. I need to learn to live in the present and enjoy what is right in front of me instead of focusing on how it could have been better or what I should have done differently. That moment has passed. I didn't get to enjoy it, so I'm regretting it and feeling guilty. I need to feel less guilty about everything. I'm going to train my thoughts so they don't become my worst enemy. So what if things don't turn out how I want them to. Yes, I believe there is a plan for my life, but I have no idea what it is, and that scares me.
I thought I had it all figured out, had figured out exactly how my life was going to be. And then I changed it. And my life keeps changing. I have no idea where it's going to go, how it's going to end up being. And it's scares the living daylights out of me. But what I've learned in the past hour or so is that I need to learn to be present for every moment. Not just the ones I think are going to be important, all of them.
Today was one of the first days I actually felt myself living in the moment. I was walking with my dear friend I talked about earlier and we were standing on the bank by the river. We were both silent for a little while, and I realized, I had no thoughts in my head. For the first time in such a long time, my head was clear. I had no worries, no anxieties, no fears. I felt happy. My mind was so clear and I was so into that moment. I need to learn to experience that more often, eventually learning how to experience every moment.
I'm learning so much more than I thought I ever would. I'm coming to realize that I really don't know everything. I hardly know anything. I still have so much more to learn, about life, about people, about love. I'm learning new things everyday.
Life is full of surprises and I just need to learn to accept that they are going to happen and I have no power to change that. I do, however, have the power to change how I react. I can react negatively, like I have for my whole life, or I can learn to laugh and smile and look at the positive of the situation. I will learn to be positive and be present.